Characters From Television Who Wouldn’t Miss Us.

ArchieNah. Too easy.

When you’re as obsessed with TV as I am (there I said it), strange things pop into your head. Things like ranking the women from “B.J. and the Bear” in terms of hotness and imagining a dogfight between Airwolf and Blue Thunder. Recently while thinking back on old episodes of “Dallas,” I wondered if J.R. would just be happier in life if no one else was around. My answer to my own question was “no” because then he’d have no one to pull diabolical schemes on. This abstract thought mutated into something more befitting a man with tons of time on his hands: What TV characters would benefit from being around less people? Or, if no one was around, would this person even give a shit?

Below are a few candidates to this foolishness. And I’m wholly open to further suggestions. Movie characters don’t count. As in, Hannibal or Norman Bates – TV people who originated from film.

carl

Carl Brutananadilewski

Aqua Teen Hunger Force’s disgruntled neighbor would do just fine without us, and he’d be especially happy to see the end of the boys next door. This master pervert knows he’s way too gross to be around, so he’s got no desire for a relationship. He’d be fine in life with just some porn and the occasional hooker call.

Data2366

Data

Yes, the android from Star Trek:TNG. He’s got no emotions (on the show) so he wouldn’t get lonely. In fact, if all other life were wiped out, Data would probably get more shit done. Here is a YouTube video that goes well with my topic.

morgan2

Morgan Jones

One of The Walking Dead’s best characters and you only see him in a couple episodes. Well that’s because he’s insane. And he’s built up an immunity to giving a fuck. And knowing that you can’t trust anyone during a zombie apocalypse makes him the smartest crazy person on TV.

burt c

Burt Cooper

“Mad Men’s” only real paternal figure walks aimlessly through life, all shoeless and clueless. This guy goes to work every day and no one notices because he hasn’t done shit for six seasons but get paid. If everyone just disappeared, he wouldn’t notice. He’d go to work, stare at the painting in his office for eight hours, then go home. Every day. This could probably be due to his missing testicles. In which case, I don’t blame him for giving up.

house 3 needle

Doctor House

Because he’s a dick, that’s why. He’s a mean piece of garbage. If he could have a whole city block to himself, with no responsibility or person to get on his nerves, Housey would just sit at home and do drugs all day with zero repercussions. He hates everyone and everything. Even the people he likes, he hates.

grizzly

Grizzly Adams

This man was happy living his everyman frontier life until a murder framing sent him hiding in the woods. And he liked it! With wild animals as his new best friends and the random encounter with an old guy named Mad Jack, Grizzles ended up doing better without us! Hell, one could even argue that Mad Jack was a figment of his imagination.

scrooge

Scrooge McDuck

Face it, as long as he’s got his stacks of money to roll around in, we could all go to hell for all he cares. His isn’t a story of misanthropy – it’s one of indifference. Cash > people. Just look at him up there making out with a handful of singles. I don’t even want to think what he does to Benjamins.

beavis550

Beavis and Butthead

Ever see the show? These two morons only seem to notice when the other one isn’t there. So as long as they can goof off as a pair, nobody else need exist. They can get through an entire day just throwing trash cans at each other. I’ve seen these clowns be on the verge of saving someone from mortal danger, wander off distracted and leave the bastard to die. Do the math.

TimeEnoughAtLast

Henry Bemis

From the amazing Twilight Zone episode “Time Enough at Last,” bookworm Bemis hides in a vault at his bank job so that he can read without anyone bothering him. So when WWIII happens and humanity bombs itself back into the stone age, Bemis sat pretty inside the protective confines of the vault. When he emerges to find Earth all FUBAR’d, the only thing on his mind is tearing ass to the library. If he spent one second saying “Oh no! The world is over! Oh God, the poor people!” it was a fast second. This joker was glad to see us go.

Now, I’m no genius – in fact, I’m far from it and this blog is proof. But I think this is a pretty comprehensive list, and if I missed anyone, I need to know. Don’t feel sheepish about adding that two cents.  Sharing is caring!

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