I know that we’re screwing up the Earth and badly need to find a new place to stay. In fact, if the sun has its way, it’s a race against time before it eats us in 7 billion years. That said, we need to hustle off this rock asap. Forget the fact that the closest planet to ours is an inhospitable hell zone that we don’t have the necessary technology to even safely visit. That’s just silly semantics. Pack your shit, everybody. We’re gonna make it to the red world of 3-boobed women if it’s the last thing we do! (and it will be.)


Scientists believe that Mars was once just like Earth in its long-gone ability to sustain life. No one knows for sure, but the popular belief is that the 4th rock from the Sun used to be rich in water and oxygen – the best things ever if you like not dying. Well, all that’s gone now, and what’s left is a humongous, round desert filled with the opposites of water and oxygen, and for some reason, we want to move there.


“Fuck yeah! Mars, bitches!”

Another thing no one is sure of is how Mars got FUBAR’d in the first place. Whatever happened happened, and that’s what I call “nature.” Humanity, however, thinks nature is stupid and seeks to reverse the course of natural order and bring back dinosaurs and put them in a theme park. Sorry, I meant to write rejuvenate the dead sphere to its former glory. Because people think that’s a great plan.

Okay, I’m a geek. I love the concept of space travel and I’d love to see deep space exploration before I die. But it’s just not feasible. It’s never been feasible. Not even in the 60’s when we sent those guys to the moon in a goddam calculator was it feasible. My phone is more advanced than that bucket Neil Armstrong rode in, but we sent him anyway. We’ve never had adequate resources for space adventures that matched our ambitions and it doesn’t look like any of that is changing. That’s my argument, and that’s why I say going to Mars is a really really dumb idea.


Don’t get me wrong! I’m well aware that there are people in charge of this venture who can beat me in the brain power department all day long. But if our track records mean anything, even a doofus like me can see that lots of people are going to die trying to live on a planet made for dying on. We’re far better off just looking for three-breasted chicks here on Earth!


The reality is that even if we do manage to colonize Mars without terrible things happening in the process, in about a hundred year’s time, we’ll probably be able to eke out a nice, pocket neighborhood there. Vegetation will bring oxygen in enclosed spaces and non-astronauts will be able to exist in the most boring fashions possible. Stone throwing and hill jumping are destined to become awesome methods of passing time. Ever go somewhere that sucks? Well, there’s that place, and then there’s Mars.

Haters gonna hate, yeah. I’m sure there are kickass things about Mars that I’m overlooking, so let’s take a trip to the bright side. For instance, Earth’s gravity is stronger, so that means fat motherfuckers like myself can go to Mars and dance ballet. Also, the sun is relatively close there, so electrical power via photovoltaics is a no-brainer. How about that for cool news? Who knew one would have options between reading issues of “Big ‘Uns” by lamp light or watching DVD’s of “Sanford & Son” on Mars? That is, in between tireless terraforming and the constant drilling search for water.

Oh, and as I mentioned already, there are 3-breasted women on Mars. Everyone knows that.


“Hey FateJacket! Take a look at these!”

Come on, there are no women on Mars, many-boobed or no boobed. There’s nothing alive there, and when we show up there alive, we’re gonna die, so there’s that too. But dickheads around the world freak out over the slightest weird photo the Mars Rover beams back to us. Why? Because people desperately want to believe we can exist there safely, when it’s impossible. Take the sighting of the hot woman with the long hair…


She’s just casually strolling around the dunes, chillin’ IN HER DRESS because of the ample number of textile mills on that planet. There’s apparently a rat out there too, just breathing nothing, and eating zero food, but still – it’s a rat living on Mars. Conspiracy theorists and scientists alike can’t wait to put us there to work those textile mills and exterminate the extraterrestrial rodent problem. OH MY GOD! SHUT UP ABOUT MARS!! It’s a fucked up place where nothing happens and everything is lame!

Mars has two moons. Know what their names are? Phobos and Deimos. They were named after the sons of the greek god Ares and their names mean “fear” and “terror.” Even in 1877, astronomer Asaph Hall knew more about Mars than we do: to stay the hell away from there. Forget about how there’s no food, water, oxygen, community, shelter or hope. Sure, you can play “Fallout 4” on your solar powered devices while being thirsty as hell, but that will all end when your muscles disappear due to the gravitational disparity. Here’s another tidbit – know why Mars is red? Because of rust. Rust dirt everywhere. It’s freezing cold, rusty as the pipes under my house, and it eats muscles. Home sweet home.


Anybody for a rousing game of ‘Count The Boulders?’

I know I’m a naysayer, but I’m just trying to help. Let’s first try to conquer the obstacles of slow speed space travel, sustaining our lives in a killing void, and hell…can we figure out a way to at least leave Earth’s atmosphere economically?! How about establishing some outposts along the route? A couple more space stations out in the direction of Mars could at least establish a few stop off points. Apparently we have the space station thing down, let’s work with our strengths. That would enable us to travel between them in space, and not have to always fight with Earth’s stratosphere to ride through the stars. Baby steps! What’s the rush??

What do you think? Am I full of shit? Am I just so ignorant of our awesomeness that I can’t muster a cheer for overtaking more planets? Or perhaps I’ve said enough and should just shut up about Mars.



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