That Time Windows XP Got Ditched At The Mall By Its Parents


Well that’s that. Microsoft has officially kiboshed their interest in their basic, yet wholly functional stepchild. Once the shining star of PC majesty, the dodo bird preserve is being abandoned. Their keepers are packing up, moving on, and directing their energies toward the cultivation of much prettier pets. Pets like unicorns…griffins…exotic animals with noble strides and deafening roars, i.e. the future obsolete. And so it goes; alright, alright, alright.

Do we care? People like myself who just web- slide around on the same internet bobsled until the damn thing begins to gain friction and all the paint chips off – do we care? Will this hamper our mobility along the information superhighway? Will the Facebook statuses get shorter? Will leaked photos of Scarlett Johansson’s naked breasts become inaccessible? Probably not, but on the same accord, the free AbiWord won’t magically turn into the advanced Microsoft Word and Avira damn sure won’t become Norton either.

So what’s to become of the dodo bird? Well, with no one to nurture it, it just goes along on its un-merry way. There will be no updates and no cures for new sicknesses. It becomes locked in time, unable to die but not allowed to prosper. And what is Microsoft’s answer to those of us who either like dodo birds, or are just complacent with having them around? Buy Windows 8! Fly! Fly on the back of the mystical winged horse and experience the wonders of saying goodbye to the START menu! For just $120, you too can make your laptop look like a tablet.


The writing’s on the wall: evolve or die. Sure, I’ll take your horse flying lessons. If I ever get a job, that is. $120 may as well be a million bucks to the unemployed. But in the meantime, there are ways around change. Not to sound like I’m anti-progress here, but if they’re cutting my system’s healthcare plan, I’ll improvise. Malwarebytes gets regular malware updates to combat the new roaming cancers. Spybot and SUPERantiSpyware do a good job shoo-ing Peeping Toms and my external drive keeps me relieved in case this neglected old bastard just up and dies. So yeah, there are ways around the end of the world. The most important way being that losing support for XP isn’t really going to make much difference to anyone anyway. I mean, it was called the “Dodo Bird” for a reason. Kinda like Bozo the Clown – he wasn’t Bozo the Scientist, now was he? Fuck this bird.