SHUT UP ABOUT MARS!

L2IZ3Pu

I know that we’re screwing up the Earth and badly need to find a new place to stay. In fact, if the sun has its way, it’s a race against time before it eats us in 7 billion years. That said, we need to hustle off this rock asap. Forget the fact that the closest planet to ours is an inhospitable hell zone that we don’t have the necessary technology to even safely visit. That’s just silly semantics. Pack your shit, everybody. We’re gonna make it to the red world of 3-boobed women if it’s the last thing we do! (and it will be.) Continue reading

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Boob Problems.

The Buzzfeed hills have been alive with the posts of boobage for a couple days now, so I’m thinking breasts are popular or something. Shocker, that.

But, for some reason it’s not just about mammary magnificence, but protrusion troubles at hand. These bothersome breasts are breaking wills and busting backs and internet ladies aren’t taking it anymore! Take, for instance, the mounting issues that infest the flat-chested: 17 Things Small Breasted Girls Understand.

I’ve had two very small-breasted girlfriends in my travels, and it seemed they took more umbrage with their A-cups than I did. One even said that her gift to the lucky man she would eventually traverse the aisle with would be a boob job. Man, what a hangup. Personally, I’d much rather have a naturally flat girl at home than one artificially enhanced. Not counting reconstructive surgeries.

And just like we’d expect from society’s lop-sided ranking scheme, the big-boobed ladies get to have MORE problems than their counterparts. 21, in fact. To wit:

Now, in light of the “woe is me!” video above, the DD’s and beyond that I’ve run with might have made the occasional back pain complaint, but for the most part they were in love with their chests. And I can’t bullshit you, big boobs are icing on the goddam cake – but hell, I’m just glad to have cake. At 40 years-old, I’ve found myself getting more and more into a woman’s brain because if I’m considering marriage in my, um, old age, she’s gotta be smart enough to talk to for 40 years. In fact, some glasses would be nice. Librarian > Cheerleader.

Being a man, I don’t know what it’s like to walk the world in a woman’s pumps, so I’ve got no real opinion on the matter of “body awareness.” I guess I have the random issue – never made it to 6 feet tall, but I get over that shit pretty quickly. But you know the internet…next week we’ll get a couple videos about all the wonderful things women can say about their breasts. But fellas, God please don’t take that as a cue to post “Package Problems” because that would just be a mistake deserving of unlimited THUMBS DOWN. I can see it now: “Biking, Boxers and Ball Kicks: Misadventures Of The Unfortunate Crotch.”

Hope everyone’s having a good week. And if the videos above get you all geared up to stop by RedTube, don’t hate yourself for it. You’re only human. 🙂